She is a childhood trauma survivor. Her father molested her for nine years. She was only eight years old when it started.

Growing up until that point, everything had been fine. Life had not always been the nightmare it became. She trusted her parents. Her father was intelligent, a member of Mensa with very high IQ. He knew so much; he was military. He was her father, her everything. She wanted to make him happy, she wanted to make both her parents happy.

Creative Safe Places

Satine was a good kid. She was very good in school and kept good grades. She enjoyed martial arts, read poetry and was extremely artistic. As the oldest of three children, she felt responsible and protective of them. She thought if it happened to her, it would not happen to them.

Throughout her whole ordeal, she had a support system:  She had books. She loved to read. Her grandmother lived close to the library, and so she had access to books. She would hide out in her bedroom, devouring one after the other. When she was a little older, she would go the library on her bike and checked books out. It was an incredible escape. She also learned so much from reading.

As a very creative person, Satine loved story-making and Dungeons & Dragons (D&D). She had community friends through a youth group. Although she did not share with them what she was dealing with at home, as it was a secret, they were loving and supportive. Without them, she would not have managed to survive the trauma.

Her name is Satine Phoenix, and She is Kintsugi.

Being a Gemini, she has this internal duality. There is the Satine we see, and then there is the internal Satine. Inside she was going through a lot of chaos. It was very intense.

Her tragedy happened a long time ago, over a long period of time. She wants us all to know that once the abuse ends, it doesn’t mean the pain is over and done. The trauma lingers. It echoes in one’s head for a lifetime. PTSD is as real as the hardship itself.  Staying alive is not a sure thing. One should not take it for granted.

There is Hope.

The specific details of her story are not what matters. What she did with her hardship is what she wants to focus on. The fact that she is alive is nothing short of a miracle and it took an incredible amount of hard work to get where she is today. Satine has tried to end her life more than once. In addition to the abuse, she was in a very bad accident that left her physically damaged for a long time. Today, she looks back, and is so grateful to be alive. Satine wants to give hope to those who are suffering, those who are struggling right now and considering ending their lives. She wants to spread a message of hope.

Satine is 40 years old and is at the start of a brand-new decade. She wants you to understand the journey she has taken so we can all understand that healing takes time, that often it takes us through routes we don’t expect or plan. Still, every single step within our trajectory brings us to the place where we need to be and create the person we need to become.

Put your Mask on First. Then, Assist Others.

Her 20s was a period of self-reclamation. She experimented with sex and was part of the adult industry. She needed to experiment, to choose her partners, her situations. She is no longer ashamed of that phase of her life. Today, she understands that it has helped her become the person she is today. she had a lot of support during these days and many kind people whom supported her during that transition.

While her 20s were about HER and her self-reclamation, her 30s was about creating places where others who were going through hardship could come together and be loved. She wanted them to be supported as she had been.  Sometimes, she feels that life happened to her, things developed without an intentional plan, but she grabbed every opportunity she had received. She gave to others without constraints; she was there to support, without asking what was in it for her in return. With that in mind, she created an amazing community around Dungeons & Dragons. She saw a need. She realized if she loved it, others did as well. If she needed it others must need as well.

At that time, there weren’t many opportunities for women in the D&D community. So, she created and organized meetups. These meetups became the safe place where they congregated and created stories, where they supported each other. She shared that she made pancakes and fed breakfast to those who attended because eating pancakes for breakfast was an example of a good memory she had, so she wanted to share this joy with those who came.

Nothing Comes Easy, No Quick Fixes.

Satine had lived in Australia for six months with her boyfriend at that time, the relationship did not work out and she returned to the USA broke, with only $100 in her pocket. She left everything she had behind to start fresh.  She was sleeping on a friend’s couch.

The reason she shares this detail about her life is because she wants us all to know that she started from nothing. “Nothing is handed to us, and we cannot wait for anyone to come fix our problems, we alone can create our own journey. We need to be courageous, to be givers, to choose each day to live and live well. It is all about our choices”.

Every morning Satine renews her choice to live. She has set routines that that help her transition into the day. It takes her a few hours. She feeds her animals, has her coffee, and thinks about the day all the while taking each step with enough time. Each person does what they need to do, but the main message is that there is hope.

Satine says: “I have managed to accomplish amazing things. I organize meet-ups and events. I ran the "Celebrity Charity D&D," a charity event to raise funds for Reach Out and Read, a national non-profit organization that advocates for childhood literacy. I am a comic book illustrator, painter, model, actress, and working on my book. I was the Community Manager of Wizards of the Coast's Dungeons & Dragons, and I also own the entertainment company Gilding Light. My point is we can accomplish so much if we set ourselves up to be busy, engaged with what brings joy and if we have the support of people who truly appreciate us.”

What’s Ahead: So much to do!

Currently, at 40 years old, she is facing a new decade. She knows where she needs to go. Her 20s was about her, her 30s was the decade to create the place for those like her, people who are struggling. Now, in her 40s is the time to give tools to those who come to the places she has created. She continues learning each day, more and more! studying about shame, about PTSD, studying the science of psychology. She is doing this so can give wounded warriors the tools they need. She is writing a book about healing and PTSD. It is a difficult book to write, and it will be a hard book to read. The goal is to give hope.

“You don’t forgive the unforgivable.” - Jaqueline DePaul 

“There is no forgiveness for those who hurt me or anyone else”. Satine explains that predators destroy and break the spirits of people, and that behavior should never be forgiven or tolerated, but there is acceptance in her heart for what she went through. There is a respect for her story, for her feelings and she knows that she can demand better and expect more. She understands that she deserves time, love, respect, and healing as each one of us for our own stories.

Satine is the happiest she has ever been but at the same time, the most depressed. There is no complete cure, but there is a lot of joy that makes it worthwhile waking up and living. There are new relationships; she learns from previous ones and then adjusts for future ones. With every improvement, with each lesson learned, she becomes stronger and stronger.

We all can break. Satine looks at today’s kids and wonders if they are prepared for their own destruction? Do they have the tools, the patience, and the stamina to give to their paths to achieve healing? To fight each day for life? For living?

Sometimes, we have to hit rock bottom in order to catapult ourselves out of the breakage. It is so scary. She hopes that she can create a platform for those with similar backgrounds and similar interests so they can be a family, a community of support while they all add gold to their breaks.

In the David Bowie movie Labyrinth from 1986, the female character realizes that he has no power over her if she doesn’t want to give him power. So, with that decision, he is suddenly vulnerable. His power is gone. She is set free. We have to decide who we give power over us or if we don’t want to give that power--we shouldn’t. People just need the tools to know how to withstand the pressures and be strong.

Satine ends our interview hoping that she can be there for others. And by being of service, she will make the joy in her life overpower the part that she struggles with. 

Her name is Satine Phoenix. She is Kintsugi.

To learn more about Satine follow her at:  https://www.instagram.com/satinephoenix/

Photo by: Allan Mato https://www.instagram.com/allanamato/

If you feel suicidal reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 

1-800-273-8255

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